uneekvocal's Xanga

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 05:14:16 GMT

Before I fell asleep last night, I asked God, "Why?" And today He responded to my question:

PAINFUL PREPARATION

Help and Peace and Joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded.
Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful lifework you are both to do.
Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way.
Success in the temporal world would not satisfy you.
Great success, in both temporal and spiritual worlds, awaits you.
I know you will see this had to be.

There is a God and although I may not always agree with His master plan for me, this pain is temporary and only a constant reminder that I am human. Half a year has gone and I still have time to dust myself off and try again. Try to make this year MY year.

This is going to be MY year. 2009, here I come!

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 08:07:21 GMT

It's been long. A little too long. I stumbled across my website that I had started a few years ago and have neglected for the past couple of years. How dare I? I can't believe so much time has passed by and as I scanned through my blogs, memories just came back to me. Some were good and a lot were bad but there were never any regrets.

2009 is going to be MY year. I know I said that in previous years but I have the opportunity to start anew and make something of myself. I'm finally ready to step outside my comfort zone and follow my dreams. I have been on the path of my long term goals: I am still a home-owner as of 2009. I have traveled throughout the United Kingdom, Italy, France, TX and back to NYC for 2008. I have gotten a couple of well deserved promotions and making twice as much as I did in 2005. I'm pretty proud of my 2008 accomplishments but I'm ready for 2009. Or am I?

This year will either make or break me. Hopefully I'll be reading this blog 2-3 years from now smiling.

2009, HERE I COME!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 23:38:18 GMT

And here I am at work. Almost everyone has left for the holiday. I'm the lucky chosen one that gets to stay until 1700 hour and closes up. Great. I come to realize that the end of the year is just around the corner and it's time for me to determine if I've met the goals I have set for myself in the beginning of 2005. I took my '2005 GOALS' list down from my board. I kept it there for the whole year to constantly remind me of the things that I still needed to do. I checked off most of my goals.

I had come up with short and long term goals this year. Short term as in going to the dentist and doctor’s office for a routine check up and long term as in going back for my master’s degree. The only goal I did not make this year was to get into grad school. Back in March I decided to take the GMAT to go back to SDSU for my master’s degree. I gave myself one month to study my ass off. In the end, one month was just not good enough. I later learned that most people give themselves at least six month to study. No wonder my score was so low. Since I didn’t get to go back to school, my alternative was to purchase a condo. All those long hours of calculating my expenses and income, I bought my first condo in November 2005. So much for grad school.

As the year comes near, I realize I didn’t do so badly. I met most of my goals with the exception that if I didn’t get into grad school, I would just spend the money on a place. Now I’ll be in debt for the next 30 years of my life. Now I just need a lifelong partner to share my experience with.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 16:57:33 GMT

I found your visor in my family room last night. I took one look at the light blue Nike visor and remembered the head it was once on. Then I had these flashbacks of the time we spent together… How once I had you in my life to call my own and “my man”. How it’d get hot in the summer and you’d fan me with your hand-made paper fan to help keep me cool. How it got cold during the winter nights and you’d give me a warm embrace to help keep me warm and feeling secure. How you looked deep into my eyes and you said “I love you” on Valentine’s Day before you gave me a soft kiss on my lips. How you called me before I went to bed to let me know you were thinking of me and to say “good night”. Oh but then I quickly started to remember how I did so much for you and how you took me for granted. How you promised to change and how diligently I waited for months but no progress. How dependent you got on me and how you slowed me down as I strived to reach the top. How stressed I got in a relationship with you and in the end, how I just wasn’t happy anymore. Then I realized how I completely wasted 2 minutes of my precious time on reminiscing on your dumb ass. Yes, I found your visor in my family room last night so I threw your shit away…

Friday, July 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 05:37:31 GMT

Well, we finally did it today. After months of struggle with cancer, we put our dog Bixy to sleep. It was the first time I'd ever experience something like that. In the end I realized that it was the best thing for her. Dang, I haven't cried like that in a while. I had to hold in tears a couple of times during work today because I knew once it was 5:30, it'd be time for her sleep. My mom once said that dogs don't have souls but I don't believe that. Bixy was a good dog. Even though at times she had her accidents or wouldn't listen, she was an angel. My family's angel... Before I said bye, I asked her to meet me at Heaven's gate. Rest In Peace Bixy...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 21:07:53 GMT

"...How I wish things would've happened so differently.. I tried to save it so many times but still you couldn't see.. You kept insisting and resisting.. that you would not fall again. Now you're telling to tell me that you're sorry and you're trying to come back home.. Telling me you really need me, crying both knees are on the floor..."

I've been listening to that song by Frankie J. for the past week now.. ever since Trey put on a little show for me last Tuesday.

I came into work about 10 minutes before my shift. As soon as I prepared for another day, I sat on my chair and waited for my computer programs to run. I briefly chatted with a coworker that happened to pass me by and noticed a gentleman standing outside the reception area. I ignored him and figured maybe my other coworker would assist him. After about 30 seconds of chit-chat, I noticed on the corner of my eye that he was still standing there.. looking at me.. waiting to get my attention. I finally stood up to assist him when my eyes met with Trey's. It's been over 10 months since I've laid my eyes on him. I swear my mouth dropped and my heart skipped a beat. It's been a while since I've seen him and you just don't know how you'll react until you come in contact with your ex.

And so his little show for me was very interesting. He's claiming he's a changed man. He said he came to the office because he needed some business to take care of and thought that I could be a help to him. But I know it was just an excuse. There wasn't anything that I looked up for him that day that he couldn't do himself. It was overwhelming that he tried to explain how he thought he was over me but with one look all his feelings came back. He still loves me and he misses me. He wants a second chance. It made me smile the whole day knowing that I meant that much to one person. I didn't know I made such an impact on him. I mean it takes GUTS and COURAGE to come back to that one person that left you to begin with and let them know you want a second chance.

I didn't know what to think after my day with him. It was a lot of information to consume. I can't get back with him. I figured if I wasn't happy the first time around, how can I be sure I'll be happy this time around? I don't know about second chances. If it fails the second time around, then it'll be my fault. I'm having too much fun right now to take the jersey off and retire it for a bit.

I thought that was big news until his girlfriend (I mean fiancee') called my cell the next day asking me if Trey has tried calling me. I was like WHAT THE HEEZY? Oh gosh! I really don't want to be involved. Turns out that Trey got into a relationship with a woman that has a 9 year old son last November. I didn't tell her that her man was at my office the day before admitting he still loves me. I didn't feel it was my place. If they're having problems, they should handle it.. not me. That's the last I heard from his girl but not Trey. He called me for a quick second yesterday.. then again today. He wanted to know if I had time to think about his proposition over the weekend but honestly I was having too much fun with DeJuan. He wants to know my answer.. either yes or no. I told him I couldn't give him an answer. My answer is definitely a no BUT I would love to catch him slipping. Playboy swears he's gonna play me but little does he know he's getting played...

Friday, May 20, 2005

Fri, 20 May 2005 19:57:39 GMT

He's a nice guy. He really is but he's not boyfriend material. At least that's what I gathered from him. At first I thought he was until he even admitted to me that he wasn't. That says a lot about a person. Now I'm kinda disappointed. It's not like I let my guard down for him though. I think we can always just remain friends. I mean I do have fun when I'm with DeJuan and all. I'm just so confused because I did want to pursue something with him at first. But maybe I was just lonely and he happened to be at the right place at a right time? It's weird how I can be so turned on but then get so turned off not too short after.

Anyways, nothing special going on in my life right now. I took up another hobby.. JOGGING! I've been doing it at least 2-3 times a week and hitting up the gym once or twice. I remember before when I was a fat little girl, I couldn't even jog to save my life. But now I'm more fit I'm doing 2-3 miles without stopping!

What else is happening in my life right now... ? OH! How could I forget when I'm reminded every day when I look at her. Our family's dog, Bixy, is dying. She's been with us for about 8-9 years and the vet recently told my sister that she has about 2 weeks left on this earth. I'm sad but I don't show my emotions. Sure I love that dog. It's given me a hard time quite a few times but she's never given me a reason not to like her. Even when she had her accidents that I had to clean.. though I made such a big deal while holding my breath and cleaning after her, I still loved her. Now that her clock is ticking, I'm not sure what's worse... knowing that she's dying or having her pass on unexpectedly one day. Poor Bixy. Hopefully she go in peace should her time come up...

Monday, April 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 04:33:45 GMT

Thought this would be cool to put up.. a map of states that I've been to. Nothing to brag about though. I'm hitting up a couple more states in July so hopefully this map will change dramatically..

Friday, April 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 20:51:12 GMT

He makes me smile. I get all giddy when he calls or when he text messages me. I haven't felt like this in a while! I think I like him. I know he likes me too. Why else would he call every single day, text me at least 5 times a day AND email/instant message me while he's at work??? I think I'm ready! If it's the right time, I'll give me heart to him but God knows he's gonna have to earn it. I would hate to get burned but the only way to find out if he's worthy is to take a chance. I'm not getting any younger so it's time to start living life and taking chances...

Monday, March 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 23:43:37 GMT

I've been a bad girl lately. I haven't studied like I told myself I would. I have about 2 weeks until the big day so I need to get to it and start studying my ass off! I know I should've done that this weekend but I guess I had other priorities that I felt should come before studying.

And so DeJuan came back on Friday night. At first he wanted to drive all the way down to see me. Then he had asked me to come to LA instead. I finally suggested we meet halfway around Oceanside and we both agreed it was the best idea.

I spent Friday evening with him and without his friend. I got to know a little more of whom he really is. We spent a lot of time kissing and I don't think I've even kissed anyone that much in one evening. It felt good to kiss someone and even felt better getting kissed in return. Sadly we both had to part and go our separate ways that night. I got lucky again. I drove home and I know I shouldn't have. It came to the point where the road was getting blurry. I knew I was fucked up because I have perfect eye vision so not being able to see the freeway clearly states I was not in a right state of mind to drive. I did it anyways and on Sunday while I was at church, I kept asking for forgiveness and kept thanking God for blessing me with my life. When will I learn? I even prayed the rosary on Sunday evening and kept apologizing. I know He's mad but I also know He loves me THAT much.

It's scary because I think I'm beginning to like this DeJuan guy. At first I thought he could be a player.. kind of like how Rico was but no, there's something about him. I might be wrong but something in his eyes tells me that he's not out to hurt me or use me. Well, we'll see I suppose. It's too soon to tell. Maybe I'm not ready. Or maybe I am. Or maybe I just like the fact I'm getting so much attention right now. When I got in on Saturday morning at 3 am, I was on the phone with Nino, a guy I met 2 weeks ago. I also had a date with Robert that following evening that never took place. I just hope I don't make any irrational decisions and I end up kicking myself in the ass...