Before I fell asleep last night, I asked God, "Why?" And today He responded to my question:

PAINFUL PREPARATION
 
Help and Peace and Joy are here.  Your courage will be rewarded. 
Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful lifework you are both to do.
Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered.  Answered in a way that seems painful to you,  but that just now is the only way.
Success in the temporal world would not satisfy you. 
Great success, in both temporal and spiritual worlds, awaits you.
I know you will see this had to be.

There is a God and although I may not always agree with His master plan for me, this pain is temporary and only a constant reminder that I am human.  Half a year has gone and I still have time to dust myself off and try again.  Try to make this year MY year. 

This is going to be MY year. 2009, here I come!

It's been long.  A little too long.  I stumbled across my website that I had started a few years ago and have neglected for the past couple of years.  How dare I?  I can't believe so much time has passed by and as I scanned through my blogs, memories just came back to me.  Some were good and a lot were bad but there were never any regrets. 

2009 is going to be MY year.  I know I said that in previous years but I have the opportunity to start anew and make something of myself.  I'm finally ready to step outside my comfort zone and follow my dreams.  I have been on the path of my long term goals:  I am still a home-owner as of 2009.  I have traveled throughout the United Kingdom, Italy, France, TX and back to NYC for 2008.  I have gotten a couple of well deserved promotions and making twice as much as I did in 2005.  I'm pretty proud of my 2008 accomplishments but I'm ready for 2009.  Or am I? 

This year will either make or break me.  Hopefully I'll be reading this blog 2-3 years from now smiling. 

2009, HERE I COME!

And here I am at work. Almost everyone has left for the holiday. I'm the lucky chosen one that gets to stay until 1700 hour and closes up. Great. I come to realize that the end of the year is just around the corner and it's time for me to determine if I've met the goals I have set for myself in the beginning of 2005. I took my '2005 GOALS' list down from my board. I kept it there for the whole year to constantly remind me of the things that I still needed to do. I checked off most of my goals.

I had come up with short and long term goals this year. Short term as in going to the dentist and doctor’s office for a routine check up and long term as in going back for my master’s degree. The only goal I did not make this year was to get into grad school. Back in March I decided to take the GMAT to go back to SDSU for my master’s degree. I gave myself one month to study my ass off. In the end, one month was just not good enough. I later learned that most people give themselves at least six month to study. No wonder my score was so low. Since I didn’t get to go back to school, my alternative was to purchase a condo. All those long hours of calculating my expenses and income, I bought my first condo in November 2005. So much for grad school.

As the year comes near, I realize I didn’t do so badly. I met most of my goals with the exception that if I didn’t get into grad school, I would just spend the money on a place. Now I’ll be in debt for the next 30 years of my life. Now I just need a lifelong partner to share my experience with.

I found your visor in my family room last night.  I took one look at the light blue Nike visor and remembered the head it was once on.  Then I had these flashbacks of the time we spent together… How once I had you in my life to call my own and “my man”.  How it’d get hot in the summer and you’d fan me with your hand-made paper fan to help keep me cool.  How it got cold during the winter nights and you’d give me a warm embrace to help keep me warm and feeling secure.  How you looked deep into my eyes and you said “I love you” on Valentine’s Day before you gave me a soft kiss on my lips.  How you called me before I went to bed to let me know you were thinking of me and to say “good night”.  Oh but then I quickly started to remember how I did so much for you and how you took me for granted.  How you promised to change and how diligently I waited for months but no progress.  How dependent you got on me and how you slowed me down as I strived to reach the top.  How stressed I got in a relationship with you and in the end, how I just wasn’t happy anymore.  Then I realized how I completely wasted 2 minutes of my precious time on reminiscing on your dumb ass.  Yes, I found your visor in my family room last night so I threw your shit away…

Well, we finally did it today.  After months of struggle with cancer, we put our dog Bixy to sleep.  It was the first time I'd ever experience something like that.  In the end I realized that it was the best thing for her.  Dang, I haven't cried like that in a while.  I had to hold in tears a couple of times during work today because I knew once it was 5:30, it'd be time for her sleep.  My mom once said that dogs don't have souls but I don't believe that.  Bixy was a good dog.  Even though at times she had her accidents or wouldn't listen, she was an angel.  My family's angel... Before I said bye, I asked her to meet me at Heaven's gate.  Rest In Peace Bixy...